Every year for her birthday, my sister, the lifelong fantasy non-fan, takes a few days off work and watches the whole LOTR trilogy. This is her seventh year.

I watch with her, because watching movies with her is always hilarious.

Last night it was The Fellowship of the Ring, starring:

• Gandalf the Hobo
• the Evil Burning Vagina
• Strider/Hotpants 
• Elf Matrix (“you know, Elf Matrix. Whatsisname.”)
• Fat Neck Frodo (“he looks like the baby Jesus in one of those Renaissance paintings where it looks like his head’s pasted on a tiny adult body”)
• SAMWISE GAMGEE \o/ (“do you think I’d like Frodo better if he were played by Samwise?”)
• “my Uruk-hai boyfriend. …I don’t want to talk about it”
• Sean Bean